La Jodienda: Money. The Water. Trust
What follows is the internal dialogue..
For the first time in my business no monthly income is being generated. It scares the shit out of me..literally, triggers my IBS and my back gets knotted up. I’m afraid I won’t cut it, I won’t be able to support myself. Nothing has my back! Will I live here or there? Where will I live? What will I do? What are my dreams? Do I even have any, any more? Whats the point?
The integrity of a thing matters. I’m 41 years old after a very painful divorce I’ve got to have my back. I’ll do what it takes a mcdonald’s job if necessary. Once I get on that hamster wheel my work is going to have to take the back seat. I’ve tried doing both, I was exhausted. At least I tried to do what I love, I tried.
I’m struggling….and I’m afraid. No. Terrified
Can I trust? Who the fuck do I trust? Can I trust myself? Can I trust Gdess? Can I trust magic?
I can hear the background chatter of my ex in my head- “you’re a dreamer”, “get your head out of the clouds”, “maybe you’re not meant to do this”, “at some point you are going to have to get a regular job!”, “At least I live in the real world, rather than put my hopes up”. Maybe he’s right, maybe I am too much, not enough and maybe it is unrealistic to expect to support myself and thrive from my business. I’m tired.
I’m in Puerto Rico, I was looking forward to coming so that I can swim in the green-blue waters. I wanted to swim where my ancestors have. For several years now I’ve been afraid of the water. I wasn’t as a kid or teen, I don’t know what happened or when. All I know is that I’m afraid.
I’ve gotten to the edge, you know where you get more sand than water in places that may have needed exfoliation. But yesterday I wanted to just dive in and swim. I couldn’t, I was frozen. All I could think about is that I can’t see the bottom that clearly. I don’t know whats in there. I’m not the type to be dominated by my fears, I’ll usually do the opposite. So that it doesn’t block me.
Not this time, the fear is/was greater than my desire to play in the water. I cried. This is big for me, if I cry then something deeper is happening. I know that this fear is metaphorically aligned. When did I become so afraid of something. My friend April who I am staying with would go in and then I felt like I could try it. It felt safer with her in there.
My inner dialogue was catching a fit. Since when do I need/or find safety in someone else doing shit. I’m a grown person, wtf!! I’m usually the first to do shit. What has happened? I don’t want to need to feel safety!!I don’t want to depend on anything or anyone. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to be vulnerable.
But alas it was true, I am. I went in with my friend. And I cried as I took steps inward. Then I began to sing. I needed to sing. I truly do honor the water and that which protects her. Yemaya who was originally a river goddess. She left those waters to go with her children who were being taken. That is how she became mama of the ocean surface. I wanted so badly to be with her, I wanted to play like dolphins do. I wanted that carefree feeling. I wanted to feel free.
When you’ve been through some shit things get misaligned and distorted. Last year was a mega awakening of sorts, it broke me open & free, and also made me afraid. Afraid to trust myself. So I’m working that out. Working with myself. Sometimes I get impatient and other times I fall into a heap of tears with compassion because I am doing the best I can.
Security, spirituality, sexuality and creativity are all linked together. Powerhouses of our energetic body. They need care and nourishing and gentleness when things have impacted them.
Will I make it? Can I trust myself? Can I trust that the Divine in all its manifestations has my back? Can I trust that my work will sustain me?
Can I trust?
The Jewyorican Bruja Priestess